CHUCK BRITT’S JOURNEY

Or Did I Give It Away
John 10:14 – 18
(04-04-2010)

He said…
“I know mine and mine know me.”

He said…
“I have the power to lay it down.
No one takes it from me.
I can only lay it down of my own accord.”

He said…
“I have the power to take it up again.
This I have received from my father”

I said
When someone else is becoming more fully human
And
I am becoming more fully human
We know the truth about each other

When you and I
Lay it down saying “no”
Or
Pick it up saying “yes”
Honestly
Simply
Without permission
Gladly responsible for the outcome

We become more fully human
You and I amaze ourselves by what we can accomplish

The world rejoices

No one can take
What is given by the Maker

Sometimes I say “NO” just to find out if the miracle is still mine
Or
Did I gave it away

I can say yes. You can say yes.
Or we can say no.
I can say no. You can say no.

Each of us holds our own boundary.

You can choose not to focus upon me. I can choose not to focus upon you.
Or we can say yes.
When it is safe we can choose to focus upon each other.

Each of us holds our own consequence.

I can make a choice that injures you and you can make a choice that injures me. This problem shows itself when my choice in some way disallows your “No” or your choice disallows my “No”.

Similar problems also arise when we try to confuse or control each other’s free will. People who are being too clever or too self-absorbed convince themselves that tactics and strategy are justifiable in some or in all circumstances.

Another problem for every human is that we are always partially unaware of our motives. In order to be honest with myself I need to be aware that I am not completely aware of my motives with you. Also in order to be safe I must remember that you are only partially aware of your motives relating to me.

That is one reason why positive or negative assumptions are so damaging and dangerous. If I am not completely aware of my own motives and you are not completely aware of your own motives it is completely goofy for me to believe that I can be aware of what your motives are.

When Someone decides that the boundaries of the Other do not exist or are not as important as theirs or aren’t important right now, then the Other is with someone who is currently not safe to be around.

Any person can choose to bring negative consequences to any other.

Whoever breaks a boundary is not being safe within them selves. They are choosing negative consequences for themselves. Whoever is breaking the boundaries of others, began hurting themselves some time ago. They began neglecting and abusing their own boundaries some time ago.

When I have injured you, part of my consequence is that I have the burden of having injured someone. I have lost your trust. I may have lost it permanently. Am I aware of what this means to me? Do I experience the loss? Do I get that I am in a crisis with my life at risk? Do I get that the isolation I am creating for my self by hurting others leaves me alone with myself. I am alone with myself and I don’t know how to be alone with myself.

The victim has the burden of the actual injury. In addition they have the burden of fixing their own boundaries after being injured by another. Usually someone who has been injured chooses to wait for the person they feel has hurt them to fix things. This never works. If the person that hurt me apologizes I still cannot trust them and I still don’t feel safe with them. I cannot trust the person that I feel hurt me to make me feel safe. They cannot “make me“ feel anything. Especially they cannot make me feel safe.

The victim has even more trouble when he or she is hurting their own bodies or their own feelings.  They have the burden of the feelings associated with the injury they caused themselves and they also get to figure out how to protect themselves from themselves.  Who is the bully in this situation?  How do I have boundaries with myself?  Can I say “no” or “stop” to myself.  Can I make amends to myself?  Which part of me needs to heal?  Which part needs to stop what?

The toughest thing to learn about these realities is that in each of our lives in each of our various relationships each one of us is sometimes acting as “victim” and sometimes acting as “the one who hurts others”. Each of our relationships has different politics and each encounter with each person has different politics. Within a single relationship each person plays both the role of “victim” and the role of “the one who hurts” depending on the situation and depending upon our mood. When humans are being impulsive they are being relatively unaware of their motives and unaware of what is actually going on around them and what role they are playing.  The more anxiety I have the more impulsive I become the more unsafe I will likely be.  If you choose to be around me you will become more anxious and more impulsive.

If I know that someone can be dangerous to be around and I choose to spend time with him or her, and then I choose to be tricky with them or judge them or try to get them to do something I am being a pretty aggressive victim. I am choosing to do dangerous things with a dangerous person and then expecting that person to keep me safe by acting like a safe person. A less impulsive and much less dangerous approach would be to get some support from someone who has shown themselves over time in many situations to be a safe person. Someone like that can help me make a less impulsive and less manipulative plan to create boundaries for myself and create some safety for myself.

When a child has been severely or repeatedly brutalized, he or she may have reason to believe that their free will is lost forever. He or she may not be able to say an honest “yes” or an honest “no”. He or she may not be able to hear when others need to say “yes” or “no”. He or she may not be able to tell the difference between yes and no. He or she may not believe there is a difference any more. He or she may need to believe there never was a difference between yes and no. He or she may need to believe that there never was a difference between good and evil. When I believe there is no difference between “Yes” and “No” I am also believing  that there is no self. When there is no “Self” there is no hope of valuing my self in simple ways. When there is no “Self” I make it impossible for me to know what I feel so I can find out what I need so I can make a simple plan to meet my basic needs.  When there is not “Self” there can be no “Other”. When there is no Other, I feel lost. I feel hopeless.

There it is. You can see it. It is the child’s simple terror of being neglected or of being physically hurt or of emotional annihilation in the next moment. You can see the caved shoulders, the bent back, and the shrunken, shaking spirit walking off the cliff of hopelessness.

There it is. You can see it. It is the child’s terror of parental disownment or disappointment. You can see the unbelieving astonishment of the child who knows the person who they count upon for survival disapproves of them or whishes they weren’t there or acts as if they are “just a burden”. The child believes they will not survive and may not deserve to survive.

There it is. You can see them wishing for fetal retreat. Wishing for a return to the safety they imagine existed before birth or a peace they imagine will return to them after death. Hopelessness.

There it is. You can see it. It is the rage of the survivor grown to adulthood. Their self talk an ongoing and repeating tape of self criticism, self disappointment, self negation, and the denial or neglect of strengths.  We often are unaware of this self talk tape.  But it plays and plays and the core of us is beaten down.  Our spirit still shaking, body still caved in, although he or she may try to straighten themselves. Our lashing rage makes the vicinity we occupy a danger zone. Life may appear normal. Achievement may occur but he or she will not believe it is deserved or believe it to be real. Worthlessness hovers as an isolating fog. The deepest blessings and the best fortune are easily discounted and easily abandoned.

Or with some healing he or she might sustain some relationships and not completely refuse the blessing or completely discount the good fortune but the fog will hover and will sometimes dominate life. Is there an eraser of memory? Is there a way to splice in some better memories? Is there a chemical cleanser of shame and of worthlessness? Is there a technique for grafting un-wounded cells that can spread an experience of belonging in a stiff and self-isolated body?

Is there a way to turn the gaze away from the failings of self of parents of loved ones and of cultures? Is there a way to stop focusing on the assaulters and condemners and abandoners? Is there a way for the memory of hurts to be less important?

Is there a way to learn to look inside without disappointment? Can I learn to care for myself as if I am worthy of good boundaries? Can I learn that I voluntarily choose to build boundaries for myself from clear and simple “Yes’s” and “No’s”? Can I learn to look upon myself with the eyes of a steadfast listening parent? Can I learn to look upon my child within as a worthy, developing and unique voice in the world? Can I look upon the child within as beloved and never to be used or ignored or condemned or forgotten? Never to be abandoned or lost? Never to be shamed or assaulted? Is there a way that I can give this to myself?

Yes.

I can say yes… and then I can take responsibility for the outcome. If the outcome is unpleasant I can choose to gently learn from the outcome. I can use the feelings that come into my body to learn what boundary I need and I can choose to build that boundary.

Or I can say no… and then I can take responsibility for the outcome. If the outcome is unpleasant I can choose to gently learn from the outcome. I can use the feelings that come into my body to learn what boundary I need and I can choose to build that boundary.

Each of us holds our own boundary.

I can choose not to focus upon what feels crumby.

I can choose not to let in the judgment, disappointment, manipulation and pushiness of others. I can walk away from such behavior and build a boundary.

I can choose to stop myself when I do such things to others.  I can choose to stop myself when I do it to myself.

I am making amends to others I have hurt and to myself (whom I have also hurt) by being gentle with myself when I make mistakes. This makes it possible for me not to make the same mistake again. I will be safer to be around.

Each of us holds our own consequence.

Each of us holds our own conscience.

Now I have learned that my hope and my power is not that you will finally learn how to meet my needs.  My hope and my power is that I will learn how to better meet my own needs.  My faith (from my own experience and from my surrender) is that when I keep myself safe, I nurture my own safety.  I soon begin to feel more powerful.  I am willing to notice when I am being abusive to myself or when I talk down to myself.  At those moments of interrupting the negative I can remember that it is simpler to be positive.  I can be positive with the motive to be simple not with a motive to try to get myself to do some  thing or to do things in a particular way.  When I am negative in order to try to get myself (or others) to do something different I just end up with power struggle.

What I need to address as a problem is not a problem with you or any other person and it is not a problem with my self.  If there is a problem it is the most simple thing to let the problem be “the problem”.  Choosing not to blame others or the self is the first step toward OWNERSHIP.  OWNERSHIP IS TRULY TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR SOLVING A PROBLEM.  OWNERSHIP IS NOT… GETTING SOMEONE TO DO SOMETHING. When I keep things simple my “problem” consists of one skill to learn or one plan to make and follow-through upon.  When I avoid power struggles with myself or others and stay focused on learning the next skill or following through on the current plan  THAT is when I am engaged in development. The skills grow and the current problem melts away into whatever the next problem will be. Yes… there will always be the next problem.  But keeping things simple so you can solve one problem is no small thing.  It is a GREAT VICTORY.

When I engage in negativity and self manipulation or the manipulation of others (power struggle) to try to get my needs met I am choosing to be complicated.  When I choose to make things complicated I am choosing to avoid solving the “Problem”.  I am choosing not to follow-through on a simple plan.  I am choosing to voluntarily slow down my own development.  This is also no small thing.  The consequences are HUGE!

Sometimes the unconscious motive of complexity is to avoid solving problems.  Sometimes solving problems is not legal for me to do.    I learned as a very young child in my family of origin that about some issues, in order to be loved I needed to stay the same and keep the same complicated and manipulative plans even when I was aware that the plans would not work.  My family of origin may teach me that some problems can be solved but some kinds of problems can not be solved.  Sometimes my family of origin teaches me to blame others or blame myself instead of solving problems.

Good support works because I get to talk to someone who chooses to listen without judgment and disappointment.  That is the right atmosphere to learn how to clarify the confusion that comes when our family of origin has taught us not to solve certain kinds of problems.

We never begin with nothing.  We never have to start from zero.  The skill I need to improve is always a skill I already have or at least I have an incompletely realized capacity that God gave me.  That is why they call personal growth… development.  I already have good capacity and strengths (my blessings) and it is time to gently and lovingly grow them.    It is the most complicated approach to say to myself, “I will never learn how to breathe.”  The simplest approach is to say to myself, “I can breathe.” or “I can recover from the hiccups.” or “I can recover from chocking.” or “I can breathe in more simple and effective ways.”

I can talk to my wife in more simple (less manipulative) ways.  Instead of trying to get her to do something I can simply say what I feel or what I need without the expectation that she will take care of it for me.  I can make a plan to take care of the feeling or need myself.  I can choose to use my ability to communicate to let people know how I am feeling, what I am needing and  how I am taking care of myself.  I can choose not to start a power struggle by telling them what they should do to take care of me so I can finally feel better and stop blaming them.

When I am breathing, eating, drinking and going to the bathroom in more simple ways I find that I feel better.  I feel better no matter what is going on around me.  When I treat myself with the simple respect of simple self care I am loving myself.  And then and only then will I feel loved.  I am the only one who can know what I feel and what I need.  I am the only one who can use what I know about my own feelings and needs to make a plan to take care of those needs.  I feel more powerful (and much safer) when I can carry out that plan for myself.

Another sort of self care happens after a while when I am getting better at taking care of my own feelings and needs.  Sometimes people realize, in the process of sharing feelings, needs and plans with others, that if we can talk and listen together about what our individual needs are and what our individual feelings are and what our individual plans are, we find that we have much in common.   We can then do the hard and mature work of not compromising.  Instead of focusing on what we disagree on and manipulating each other to get agreement, we can choose to find out what we already agree on and then choose to agree to do whatever that is and then choose to act upon those agreements.  Nobody changes.  Everybody develops.

When we love each other but we don’t feel safe together it is often because I am expecting you to take care of my feelings and you are expecting me to take care of your feelings.  When we can learn that it is my job to take care of my feelings and your job to take care of your feelings we are also learning how to experience more safety when we are together.  When we experience more safety it is possible for intimacy to begin to grow.  Learning how to be someone’s beloved or someone’s mother or father in a family is the most intimate thing humans do.  It is also the most difficult thing humans do.  When we increase the safety between us by respecting each others free will we begin to feel less stuck in problems. We begin to move through problems. We get stuff done. The function of being a Father or a Mother is to show children how to mover through problems.

As it turns out, when I take care of my self and stop blaming others when I have feelings or needs, the people around me begin to feel loved by me and they will begin (over time) to be more respectful and things usually go better…   for me.  My hope and my power is that I can learn how to take care of my own feelings and needs.  When I do… any relationship can become a place where we enjoy being together because it is a safe place. We will also accomplish things. We will reach goals. We will get things done. Some of my needs will be met. Some of your needs will be met.

Chuck Britt

I know for sure that there are predators.
I know that you and I are predators.
Humans are the most successful predators on the planet.

I know that I sometimes disregard your free will
acting like it is my right to get you to take care of my needs.
I know that sometimes you disregard my free will
acting like it is my job to meet your needs.
I am fearful of those out there who will disregard
my right to my voice, my freedom, my body, and my life.

I notice that I often disregard my own voice, my own freedom,
my own body, and my own life.

Where is my spirit? Where is my motivation?
Where do meaning and purpose and motivation come from?
Do you and I have any potential beyond fearful defenses in
a world of predators?

The answer becomes yes‚ only when I can believe that you
have the intention to value my free will.

The answer becomes yes‚ only when I have the intention to
value your free will.

The answer becomes yes‚ only when I believe that I have the
intention to value my own free will.

I am valuing your free will only when I absolutely accept,
respect and defend your, NO and your, STOP.
I am valuing your free will only when I absolutely accept,
respect and defend my own, NO and my own STOP.

My bleak days are when I am forgetting my free will or yours.
My bleak days turn into days of accomplishment when I affirm
that I have choice.

I used to think a good parent was one who had well behaved children. Now I know a good parent is one who is well behaved when the children are not.

Mount Vernon Parent’ s Night Parent

Is there a language
For this girl child to tell me
What has happened to her?

How can she tell a story
When there is no mouth?

How can she hear a story
When there are no ears?

How can she see her self
When there are no eyes?

No breath without fear
Watchful without hope of safety

There is no play
There is no heal

Is there a language
For this boy child to tell me
What has happened to him?

How can he tell a story
When there is no mouth?

How can he hear a story
When there are no ears

How can he see him self
When there are no eyes?

No breath without fear
Watchful without hope of safety

There is no play
There is no heal

Is there a language
For this woman to tell me
What has happened to her?

How can she tell a story
When there is no mouth?

How can she hear a story
When there are no ears?

How can she see her self
When there are no eyes?

No breath without fear
Watchful without hope of safety

There is no play
There is no heal

Is there a language
For this man to tell me
What has happened to him?

How can he tell a story
When there is no mouth?

How can he hear a story
When there are no ears?

How can he see him self
When there are no eyes?

No breath without fear
Watchful without hope of safety

There is no play
There is no heal

When I clench my fists no one can give me anything and I can not pick up anything.

Anonymous

All deception is self deception.

Chuck Britt

I can remember you are not clay for me. You are not for me.  You belong only to you.  I belong only to me.   Whether you are my friend, my enemy, my beloved or my child, my parent or my brother or sister or my neighbor, my customer or someone I need to protect myself from or someone who needs porotection from me.  I have no say about you.

I have say only about me. I have say about what comes from my mouth and what I do with my body.   I have say about what I do with my focus and attention.  I have say about what I spend my time doing and who I choose to spend my time with.  I have say about where I put my eyes, were I focus my ears and which direction I step.  I have say about what I eat and what I drink.  I can remember you are not clay for me.

I can remember that I am not clay for me. I deserve the same respect I give to you from my self.  I deserve not to be pushed around by my self, abused by myself or belittled or harassed by myself.  I deserve encouragement and respect from myself as a child would deserve the same from it’s parent. You also deserve this from me.

I can remember that I am not clay for you. I can remember that what I let into my body (into my mouth, my ears or any other part of my body) from the outside is always and only my choice.

Chuck Britt